Ok. We are moved.
Quote of the century: My hubby “I would hate to see what would happen if anything went wrong.”
A week ago…
Sunday – Lots of fighting because hubby was upset that more wasn’t packed. Did he pack a single box or anything? No. Honestly he has been a bear every since we got the Cecil news. I know it is because he is worried and freaked out but it is wearing on my nerves.
Monday – Morning the car’s dashboard goes dead. Hubby plays with fuses and it comes back on. However, a few hours later while taking the dogs to the kennel the car starts making all kinds of bad noises. I take it to the shop and in a miracle involving a great mechanic, my cousin being in the right place and money the car is fixed.
Tuesday – Last day to clean out the house. Start to head over and discover that the truck we just got back from the shop last week is dead. We rent a truck and finish up. I smash three of my fingers so bad that I have three very swollen knuckles. We sign the papers to close on the house and head out of town.
Wed. – Spend the day talking with state legislatures and hearing speakers. Making my voice heard and educating myself from the actual sources and not media.
Thursday – All moved. House sold. Trip over. Breakdown has begun.
So there it is. I’m finally having to deal with Cecil and my feelings. I’m more numb than anything else. Honestly I feel completely worthless. I’m not suicidal. I just feel like what is the point anymore. I see no reason to move from my couch right now. Ever. Again. I know this is the moment where a good person – someone way better than me – would pull up their bootstraps and be all positive and blah, blah, blah. I’m not that person. I’m tired of losing. I’m tired of coming up short. I’m tired of watching every other person walking around with their effin’ kids. You won. I loss. I get it. Bad attitude? Yeah. I got that, too. Self pity? Yep. Oozing out of every pore. Crying at the drop of a hat? Oh, yeah. Sniff. Depressed beyond belief? That’s me! Besides my cousin, aunt, hubby and one IRL friend(on the phone) plus you guys, I have not talked about Cecil. Even then it has only been in brief off the cuff discussions as if I’m not really bothered or concerned. What is the point in bothering anyone else with this? Yes, I see the irony in that last sentence as I continue to type and spill my guts to the bleeps of the web. I just see no meaning to my life. I don’t feel I have anything to contribute. People always say to find what you’re good at and do it. I’m not good at anything. Ok. I’m good at some things but not great. So I can’t even throw myself into some kind of work because I’m useless.
In another conversation with someone asking about my infertility (I didn’t explain Cecil) she said, “Oh, pray. I believe in prayer.” She caught me on a bad day. I laughed, “Yes, people like to say that. People have said they prayed for me. I’ve prayed for me and you know what? The only answer I got was that I wasn’t worth it. God has deemed me unworthy. A crack whore is worth a baby but I’m not. That is what prayer has shown me after 8 years.” Was that kind of mean? Maybe. But honest. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that the news keeps getting worse for me. I hate that I have pushed almost everyone out of my life because I can’t handle having a conversation with anyone anymore. I hate that my life which isn’t actually that bad feels like it is crap because of one aspect. I hate this depression and honestly right now I just plain hate myself. I’m going to be trying the selflove thing this month because I don’t have anything better to do and there is a tiny part of me buried under my lump of coal heart that doesn’t want to give up on myself. I’m going back to my faking it until I make it crap idea. This will be my last woe is me post for awhile(until I get hit with the next great news I’m sure). So my posts may be a little spread out this month as I dig around in the sinkhole I live in with the teeny desire to find my big girl panties. I hate writing this kind of post but after trying to write something everyday for the past week this was all that would come out of my fingers.
Thank you for listening to me mumble on. Thank you for your encouraging words and love. Honestly I don’t have any IRL friends left anymore that I actually talk to about IF(or any feelings actually) so I’m grateful ya’all are here for me. I’m not sure what I would be doing if I hadn’t found this wonderful community who allows me to have the ugly cry post every now and then.
I’ve updated my May 10 in 10. I’ve tried to be positive with it and only include things that are about me trying to find something I’m good at or is relaxing or is finishing my lists from before. I swear this is the last month I will carry over the mailing off of those darn shoes. They are boxed and ready all I have to do is drive to the silly store. Hubby is still job hunting so I’m not even unpacking anything that is not necessary while he has the possibility of accepting a job out of state. We gave our bed to my cousin. It was a pillowtop that was over 10 years old. They love it. We wanted something new. We are too broke for a new bed so I’m sleeping on the couch (usually with one or two dogs) and hubby is sleeping in our spare twin size bed. So that might account for some of my grumpiness.