Monday Mumblings (more apropo than musings today)

Ok.  We are moved.

Quote of the century:  My hubby “I would hate to see what would happen if anything went wrong.”

A week ago…
Sunday – Lots of fighting because hubby was upset that more wasn’t packed.  Did he pack a single box or anything?  No.  Honestly he has been a bear every since we got the Cecil news.  I know it is because he is worried and freaked out but it is wearing on my nerves. 
Monday – Morning the car’s dashboard goes dead.  Hubby plays with fuses and it comes back on.  However, a few hours later while taking the dogs to the kennel the car starts making all kinds of bad noises.  I take it to the shop and in a miracle involving a great mechanic, my cousin being in the right place and money the car is fixed.
Tuesday – Last day to clean out the house.  Start to head over and discover that the truck we just got back from the shop last week is dead.  We rent a truck and finish up.  I smash three of my fingers so bad that I have three very swollen knuckles.  We sign the papers to close on the house and head out of town.
Wed. – Spend the day talking with state legislatures and hearing speakers.  Making my voice heard and educating myself from the actual sources and not media. 
Thursday – All moved.  House sold.  Trip over.  Breakdown has begun.

So there it is.  I’m finally having to deal with Cecil and my feelings.  I’m more numb than anything else.  Honestly I feel completely worthless.  I’m not suicidal.  I just feel like what is the point anymore.  I see no reason to move from my couch right now.  Ever.  Again.  I know this is the moment where a good person – someone way better than me – would pull up their bootstraps and be all positive and blah, blah, blah.  I’m not that person.  I’m tired of losing.  I’m tired of coming up short.  I’m tired of watching every other person walking around with their effin’ kids.  You won.  I loss.  I get it.  Bad attitude?  Yeah.  I got that, too.  Self pity?  Yep.  Oozing out of every pore.  Crying at the drop of a hat?  Oh, yeah.  Sniff.  Depressed beyond belief?  That’s me!  Besides my cousin, aunt, hubby and one IRL friend(on the phone) plus you guys, I have not talked about Cecil.  Even then it has only been in brief off the cuff discussions as if I’m not really bothered or concerned.  What is the point in bothering anyone else with this?  Yes, I see the irony in that last sentence as I continue to type and spill my guts to the bleeps of the web.  I just see no meaning to my life.  I don’t feel I have anything to contribute.   People always say to find what you’re good at and do it.  I’m not good at anything.  Ok.  I’m good at some things but not great.  So I can’t even throw myself into some kind of work because I’m useless. 
In another conversation with someone asking about my infertility (I didn’t explain Cecil) she said, “Oh, pray.  I believe in prayer.”  She caught me on a bad day.  I laughed, “Yes, people like to say that.  People have said they prayed for me.  I’ve prayed for me and you know what?  The only answer I got was that I wasn’t worth it.  God has deemed me unworthy.  A crack whore is worth a baby but I’m not.  That is what prayer has shown me after 8 years.”  Was that kind of mean?  Maybe.  But honest.  I hate that I feel this way.  I hate that the news keeps getting worse for me.  I hate that I have pushed almost everyone out of my life because I can’t handle having a conversation with anyone anymore.  I hate that my life which isn’t actually that bad feels like it is crap because of one aspect.  I hate this depression and honestly right now I just plain hate myself.  I’m going to be trying the selflove thing this month because I don’t have anything better to do and there is a tiny part of me buried under my lump of coal heart that doesn’t want to give up on myself.  I’m going back to my faking it until I make it crap idea.  This will be my last woe is me post for awhile(until I get hit with the next great news I’m sure).  So my posts may be a little spread out this month as I dig around in the sinkhole I live in with the teeny desire to find my big girl panties.   I hate writing this kind of post but after trying to write something everyday for the past week this was all that would come out of my fingers. 
Thank you for listening to me mumble on.  Thank you for your encouraging words and love.  Honestly I don’t have any IRL friends left anymore that I actually talk to about IF(or any feelings actually) so I’m grateful ya’all are here for me.  I’m not sure what I would be doing if I hadn’t found this wonderful community who allows me to have the ugly cry post every now and then. 

I’ve updated my May 10 in 10.  I’ve tried to be positive with it and only include things that are about me trying to find something I’m good at or is relaxing or is finishing my lists from before.  I swear this is the last month I will carry over the mailing off of those darn shoes.  They are boxed and ready all I have to do is drive to the silly store.  Hubby is still job hunting so I’m not even unpacking anything that is not necessary while he has the possibility of accepting a job out of state.  We gave our bed to my cousin.  It was a pillowtop that was over 10 years old.  They love it.  We wanted something new.  We are too broke for a new bed so I’m sleeping on the couch (usually with one or two dogs) and hubby is sleeping in our spare twin size bed.  So that might account for some of my grumpiness.

11 thoughts on “Monday Mumblings (more apropo than musings today)”

  1. OH ((HUG))
    I think you're exhausted. What a week! That is rough…emotionally, physically, spiritually…you've been run through it.
    And, you need to rest. You have so many worries on your plate, you don't know which end is up.

    Your feelings are valid. You're allowed to have bad days. Remember that, OK?

    Thinking of you…

  2. Oh Junebug,
    Its okay to feel like crap, healthy even to feel your feelings instead of just pushing them down. But, you are not worthless. In fact, I was honestly thinking this weekend "I wonder how Junebug is, she hasn't posted in a while". See, even though I never met you, I care which means others IRL do too.
    It will get better. I know that there aren't words to bring you to a better place but you are not alone. I am rooting for you!
    Take somw time to nuture yourself, find things that make you happy, you are NOT defined by IF.

  3. What a fricking week you've had! You know I'm down here in the dirt with you, sitting on my ass and trying to muster the energy to get up and get on with it. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I get it, I really do. Our challenges may be different, physically and emotionally, but we're both the same age and at the 8-year mark (I'm a few months away from 9!) and I, too, have the despair, the wondering why…We've been patient, haven't we? We've done everything everyone has told us to. WTF? So. I am here with you. Holding your hand. And hoping Cecil takes a long walk off a short cliff.

    Be gentle with yourself, Junie…(Hugs)

  4. June, you have me worried. Damn infertility. Hang in there my friend, this shitty time will be over soon. Fran

  5. Oh Junebug. I'm so sorry. This absolutely sucks. Please know that we are here for you and that you are going to make it through this dark time. If you need to glue yourself to the couch for a few days, do it. But then you pick yourself up and you get back on the horse. That's what we do. It's tough. I'm glad you're devoting some of your list for May to doing things for yourself. It's so easy to lose focus of what you need personally.

    Sending you many hugs and lots of love. Hang in there.

  6. Hey, keep going. Listen to the bit buried away that doesn't want you to give up, listen to it hard and increase the volume. Things will change, they have to change! And look after yourself, you sound v tired. x

  7. I can't imagine how overwhelmed you're feeling right now, of course you're depressed! Just acknowledging that small part still in there is a good step though, it will grow eventually…. In the mean time I'm sending you lots of huge (((HUGS)))!!

  8. Moving is such an overwhelming experience in and of itself, and you've got the Cecil problem on top of it, so I can't imagine how you're dealing. *hugs*

    I like your new inspirational ten list. Maybe I ought to make one too… you see, you've inspired me! :)

  9. I think this is what I hate most about this wretched fu@king road: that it plays with our sense of self-worth, with the idea that we are worth anything. But you are very clearly a lovely, funny, bright woman with so much to offer the world and other people (your comments and posts are proof). And I think that we have to figure out how to rewire ourselves so that we believe we deserve the love and care that we do, even while our hearts are breaking because of the other.

    And you should never feel bad for ranting. It's cathartic for you and it's also cathartic for other people to read. Before joining this community I never dreamed that anybody experienced the lows that I did. How wrong I was. And so even as you get some of the bad stuff out, you're helping others do the same.

    And I agree with the others – you've had such a tough, busy, crazed time lately. Dealing with Bastardo Cecil on top of everything else is just ridiculously unfair. Hugs.

  10. You are allowed to be depressed, to grieve, to have bad days. It's all part of this and it SUCKS. I am on a 2 week leave from work because I kept breaking down and couldn't handle the stress. Be good to yourself, and realize that your feelings, your depression, everything, are valid and that it's okay to go down that road for a while. Find the positive where you can, and enjoy the good days when they happen. ((HUGS))

  11. Can't you feel the love from your bloggy friends?! We all still love you, even when you're depressed and having a bad day/week/month. You're still Junebug!

    Thinking of you!

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