Eavesdropping on Myself and Charlie Sheen


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Until the last few days I have been ignoring all about Charlie Sheen because I’m throughly annoyed with privileged dumb a**es who piss away perfectly good lives that could have done lots of good for their fellow mankind but sometimes a train wreck is so bad you can’t help but become a looky-loo.  Suddenly HMS (Hot Mess Sheen) began to remind me of another train wreck I love and am secretly looking forward to watching soon, Gary Busey.  What would GB say?  “Gone:  Getting Over Negative Energy”  So true GB, so true.  GB made me realize if I was negative I wouldn’t really be helping HMS so I decided to pretend HMS was my newest life coach.  What could he teach me?  How would he solve my most pressing problems?

(Note:  While this is a fictional conversation every one of HSM responses was taken from his various interviews over the past two days.  This stuff is gold I tell you!  This is my first eavesdropping that hasn’t been real.  Enjoy!)

Junebug:  “Hello!  My name is Junebug.  I’m kind of a mess and I’m really in need of some guidance.  Is there a way you could help me?”

HMS:  “My plan is going to be the best one in the room.  So just trust me on that and every body will win. Every body will win and everyone will be taken care of.”

Junebug:  “Oh, OK.  Are there other people in the room with a plan because I only see you and me?”

HMS:  “It’s not really rocket science.”

Junebug:  “I see.”

HMS:  “Park your emotions and lets solve this.”

Junebug:  “Kind of harsh but OK.”

HMS:  “Sometimes I overshoot the mark.  My passion is misinterpreted as anger right now.”

Junebug:  “Thanks.  I feel better.  I wasn’t sure what to expect from this session.”

HMS:  “Well did they expect it to be like a normal interview?  Did they expect it to be conventional and boring and whatever else?  No man!  It’s…we’re shaking the trees.  We’re shaking all the trees.”

Junebug:  “They?  Do you mean the voices in my head?  I’m not sure I’m following you through the trees.”

HMS:  “Don’t remember.  Don’t care.  Drug test on-line.”

Junebug:  “Speaking of drugs is there a drug I can take to make me feel better?”

HMS:  “I am on a drug.  It’s called Charlie Sheen.”

Junebug:  “Oh, that sounds promising!”

HMS:  “It’s not available.  If you try it once, you will die.  Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Junebug:  “That’s not good.  If there is not a drug then how can I heal myself?”

HMS:  “You have to work on your impulse control and think a little bit about things before you do that.”

Junebug:  “I’m not sure impulse is my problem.  I think my problem is not being impulsive enough.”

HMS:  “You either love or you hate.  Live in the middle and you get nothing.”

Junebug:  “Exactly!  I am getting nothing.  How do I change that?”

HMS:  “We think of fun plans and we execute them.”

Junebug:  “Just like that?”

HMS:  “Well, God yes!  There is work to do.  There are shows to do.  We are running out of time.  The clock is ticking.”

Junebug:  “Talk about putting me under pressure.”

HMS:  “Who else is applying pressure?”

Junebug:  “I don’t know.  Other women.  Women are so judgmental with each other.”

HMS:  “These women don’t judge me.”

Junebug:  “Maybe not you but how can I not think that way?”

HMS:  “I just don’t do it.  I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people.  People who aren’t special.  People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”

Junebug:  “Are you saying you think I’m special, too.”

HMS:  “Wow, winning!  It is how you perceive it.”

Junebug:  “Amazing!  I never thought of it that way!  One of my biggest fears is being stopped for speeding.  If he pulls me over my knee jerk reaction is to be a smart a** when he asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?”  How can I handle this situation in a better way?

HMS:  “I have one speed.  I have one gear.  Go!”

Junebug: “I’m not sure if that will work any better but thank you.  Do you have a sort of mantra I could perhaps put on my mirror to remind myself of the work we have done today?”

HMS:  “I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”

Junebug:  “But women are from Venus.”

HMS:  “I’m just guessing.”

Junebug:  “Guessing that I’m a man?  Dude, that is so not cool.  I have long hair and a dress on for heaven’s sake.”

HMS:  “I’m not interested in your rhetoric right now.  I’ve sort of evolved past it.”

Junebug:  “You are telling me with your penchant for hookers that you have evolved past being able to see women if you are not paying them?  How could you not know that there are real people out there.  Ones you aren’t paying so they have their own thoughts and emotions.”

HMS:  “I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind.”

Junebug:  “That must be one powerful mind.  How do you maintain your break from reality?”

HMS:  “With zeal, focus and violent hatred.”

Junebug:  “Damn!  I’m impressed.  But I do have a problem I would really like to address today before we go.  I believe there is a special place in hell for people who leave their shopping buggies in the middle of the grocery store parking lot.  Especially one wench, whom while I was sitting in my car actually put her buggy against my car and drove off.  I didn’t get out because she would have been wearing a special new necklace made out of a shopping buggy.  They walked in and around the store.  Why can’t they make it a few steps to put it in the designated stalls spread conveniently about the parking lot?  It consumes me with rage.  How do I handle this feeling?”

HMS:  “Love it violently and defend it violently through violent hatred.”

Junebug:  “I don’t know.  That seems to be continuing in the wrong direction.  Maybe a bit hard core.”

HMS:  “I’m just going to keep pressing the truth.  And truth is going to flush everyone out into the light and we are going to have an open dialogue about it and we are going to fix it.  And it’s going to be good.  And everybody is going to win because they followed…guess who’s plan…Mine!”

Junebug:  “Again with the they?  Are you confusing me with a client who has split personalities or something?  I’m a little confused.”

HMS:  “That’s fine.  That’s how I roll and if it’s too gnarly for people there’s the freakin’ door.  Bye. Bye. Same way you came in.”

Junebug:  “Same time next week?”

HMS:  “Finally this voice emerged and said, “I’m alive.  Bring it!”

Junebug:  “Do you validate parking?”  

There you have it folks.  A man evolved past our normal brains.  Our ancestors, maybe even their ancestors, will one day look back at him and say, “Wow, winning!”

24 thoughts on “Eavesdropping on Myself and Charlie Sheen”

  1. Wow, when you put it into its proper context like that…I'm not sure I'm any further ahead. But I loved the piece. Well done.

  2. Brilliant. Love every bit of it. Your questions so well thought out, and his answers not. so. much.

  3. "Do you validate parking?"
    HA! Well done, Junebug!
    I had never thought of Sheen as a life coach, but now that I see what he's done for you, do you have his number?

  4. Bravo! Every time I think I've found the Sheen quote that will spearhead my personal manifesto I hear another one that's better.

    After reading this I'm going with, "Love it violently and defend it violently through violent hatred."

    Love. That.

    Excellent job, Junebug!

  5. Winning!

    I am not going to be able to stop using that. I'm already a little sick of it but it works so well with everything.

  6. Great work, and better than most of the stuff on TV. You had some outrageous material to work with.

  7. I love probing in-depth interviews. In my opinion, HMS was too busy shaking the trees at times to provide an intelligent response.

  8. Came here through Tribal Blogs, and holy hilarious. I LOVE how you turned his crazy quotes into a conversation! Brilliant idea!

  9. Junebug, LOL. I love those people like Charlie who think they've got the world figured out. You did a wonderful job "interviewing" him!

  10. I spent all those dollars and years in therapy… only to discover Charlie could have cured me so effortlessly? Loved your conversation with Charlie, Junebug!

  11. Oy vey, this is Cardiogirl who previously posted as Clive Rules. I'm trying to fix that so I felt the need to come back here to clarify.

    Carry on.

  12. Just wanted to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for the awesome secret pal gift!! It truly made my night! You are so sweet : )

  13. how did you do this? you are one clever gal!
    I can't keep up with his story!! I'm glad to have this summarized… it's sad to see Charlie standing on the edge of the cliff… I hope someone pulls him back soon.

  14. Bwwaaa hahahahaaa!! Okay so I've really tried to stay away from reading or hearing much of anything from that friggin hot mess he is, mostly because crazy just doesn't intrigue me in the slightest. This however was pricelss-priceless! You're such a clever girl as Christine says-it's true :)

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