Eavesdropping on Myself with Weiner

Awhile back I decided to take a positive spin on HMS Sheen and have him become my therapist.  It was such a hit that when a bunch of my Tribal Blogs peeps were doing awesome posts on Weiner I couldn’t resist trying out a new therapist.  I used his words culled from interviews and transcripts of his supposed conversations with a woman.  Trust me – after all this reading I am in desperate need for a therapist.  

Junebug:  “Hello?  I’m looking for a Weiner?  Is that you?”

Weiner: “Is this really Lisa?”

J:  “No.  My name is Junebug.  I think I am your 1 o’clock.  I’m in need of a new therapist.”

W:  “I’m all about your needs.  Believe me.”

J:  “Oh, good.  I really need help to sort out some of my demons.”

W: “Ok, you and me will suit up like superheroes and defeat them.  What will we call ourselves?”

J:  “Umm.  I think I will stick with Junebug.  Wait is this one of those therapist type things where I pretend to be looking at myself from the outside?  Like talking to myself as a three year old?  Oh!  Can I have a superpower?  If so I want to be a size 2 and have the ability to eat anything I want without every gaining weight.  That would be an awesome ability.  Is that a good power?  Can you explain a bit more about what you want from me?”

W:  “If I were giving a speech to 45,000 people and someone in the back threw a pie or yelled out an insult, I would not spend the next two hours of my speech responding to that pie or that insult.  I would return to the things that I want to talk about to the audience that I wanted…”

J:  “I’m sorry but am I supposed to be the superhero giving the speech or am I the chick throwing the pie?  I don’t think I would be the superhero and throwing a pie because it seems uncharacteristic of a superhero to throw a pie but with my power I could eat the pie.  Maybe I can, also, throw food that turns other people fat and then I can run but they can’t catch me.  Is the speaker my negative inside voice?  Is that why I’m throwing it?  Can you tell me why I would be throwing the pie?”

W:  “And that is what I intend to do.”

J:  “Oh.  Good.”

W:  “This is the tactic.  The guy in the back of the room who’s throwing the pie or yelling out the insult wants to be the conversation.”

J:  “So he is the superhero and I’m the one giving the speech?  I need to understand why a superhero is throwing pies at me.  I think I should be the superhero and throwing my powerful pies at the villain.”

W:  “I’m going to have to ask that we follow some rules here and one of them is going to be you ask the questions, I do the answers.  That seem reasonable?”

J:  “Well, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job or anything but usually the therapist asks the questions.  That is how it has worked for me in the past.”

W:  “You do the questions?  That’d be reasonable.  You do the questions, I do the answers and this jackass interrupts me:  How about that as the new rule of the game?”

J:  “Whoa.  Are you calling me a jackass?  That is a little out of line.  I’m simply trying to understand your therapy style.  Usually the therapist asks the questions.  If  you want to tell me answers then I’m good with that.  I just don’t think I should be called a jackass.”

W:  “Well, you asked to interview me and I’m doing the interview.”

J:  “I am so confused.  Do you have some printed guidelines to your session style in your bookcase or desk drawers because I’m not sure I get this?  I feel like we are having two different conversations.”

W:  “You know, here, we’ve been sitting down for a brief moment and you’re already asking if there are pictures of me in my drawers.  I mean, look…”

J:  “Holy Crap!  I asked no such thing!”

W:  “I’m not an expert at this stuff.  I can tell you this, that we have asked some professionals who do this for a living for big companies to come and take a look at the situation.  It wasn’t a particularly — you know, it wasn’t a particularly dangerous thing.”

J:  “Dangerous thing?  Experts?  I just asked for some guidelines to your therapy style.  That is all.  It was such a little thing.”

W:  “Little?!  Ouch.  You’d be surprised how big.”

J:  (I stare at him in disbelief.)

W:  “Stop staring at my weapon!”

J:  “Dude!  I’m not sure where all this went so wrong but I’m just going to go now.   There is no telling where this is going to go.”

W:  “I’ll be telling you what dirty things I’m thinking.”

J:  “Please don’t! Just validate my parking ticket.  Did you put my parking ticket somewhere?”

W:  “I don’t remember but looking down I’d say yes.”

J:  “Never mind.  I’ll pay full price.  It is not worth being near you one more second.”  
 
W:  “I’m deeply ashamed of my terrible judgement and actions.”

J:  “You should be!  You should resign from being a therapist.”

W:  “I am deeply regretting what I have done, and I am not resigning.  I have made it clear that I accept responsibility for this.  And people who draw conclusions about me are free to do so.”

J:  “My conclusion of you as a therapist is that you suck.  I’m not sure what profession you should be in but it is not therapy or any other profession meant to help people.  I shouldn’t feel crazier after a session.  Therapists don’t make up all kinds of lies.”

W:  “Almost from the moment that I…you know, when you say something like that, that’s so wrong…I was embarrassed   And I didn’t want it to lead to other embarrassing things.  And I did…I did…it was a dumb thing to try to tell lies about it because it just lead to more lies.”

J:  “Seriously I think you need some help.  There has to be some rehab or recovery center you can go to recover from this…whatever this problem is called.”

W:  “I’m not making any excuse for my behavior.  I don’t…I don’t do drugs.  I was not drinking.  That wasn’t the cause of this.  This was…this was me doing a dumb thing and doing it repeatedly and then lying about it.  And that’s all there is.”

J:  “I still think you need some help.”

W:  “People are entitled to that viewpoint.”

J:  “I’m going to go now.  I plan to report you to whatever board watches over the behavior of therapists.  If I did have my superpower I would hit you with a pie right now.”

W:  “Whoa.  Super intense dream ’bout you just now.  Woke me up.”

(slamming door)

Disclaimer:  If you believe this is a real conversation, you need help.   More help than Lucy and her little station can give you.  Maybe you should walk to the nearest hospital and turn yourself in.  It is for the best.