I hate it!
In Jr. High, we had to perform square dancing in gym class. I always would get stuck with the kid who smelled like onions. His hands were clammy and the smell made me want to vomit all over my knee high socks. Exercise is my onion smelling partner.
I realize it would help if I didn’t have issues with food. Unfortunately I’ve been stalked and I was attacked. I narrowly escaped being completely raped. I walked away with a fat lip and many bruises. Most of the bruises faded except the ones on my soul. My soul believes fat protects me from being attacked again. My head knows better but my soul sabotages. I will make progress but as soon as someone compliments me my soul hurries to build a protective fort out of trans fats.
Plus, genetics hate me. My father died at the age 34 from a heart attack. If I don’t want to orphan my daughter, I have to take that clammy hand and run on.
Pounding the Pavement
I took the last month and half off while on the road trip and for being sick but today I tied on my sneakers, pulled on the spandex, latched Baby Bug into her stroller and took to the sidewalk. It sucks! I’ve tried for so many years to be one of those people who loves to exercise but it hasn’t happened for me. I do it because I have no other choice. I wish I liked it. It would make life so much easier.
Perhaps if I didn’t look like an idiot while working out it would help. I’m the world’s slowest runner. Seriously! Once an old man walking with a cane and a fake leg lapped me. At Zumba I look as if I’m trying to bring back slam dancing as I throw my fat butt around the floor in moves no one should ever attempt but I’m compelled to complete by the momentum of all my weight. In yoga as I’ve stood trembling in tree position, I’m sure several of my tiny yogi companions have feared they will be crushed by one of my limbs. You get the picture and it ain’t pretty.
If I was completely honest -> I’m angry! I’m angry I had to dance with clammy onion boy. I’m angry I have to workout when others can do nothing and be so thin they can hide behind a limbo pole. I’m angry an attacker took away so much freedom and life from me. I’m angry I haven’t manged to heal all the bruises he left. I’m angry I was orphaned. I’m angry I live in fear of orphaning my own daughter every minute of every day. I’m just plain angry. It is anger which propels me to drag my onion smelling partner very slowly down the road.
I’m stuck with this reluctant partner. I keep hoping out there on the sidewalk I will find a way to make peace with this necessary companion. For now, exercise is the only thing standing between me becoming that 600 lb woman who has to have a wall knocked down in her house and a fork lift to move her.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
How about swimming? I wish you could find a type of exercise you like so that it feels less like punishment. Cheering you on whatever you decide to do.
I take Baby Bug to swim lessons. We don’t have good pools within 30 minutes of my home sadly. It is a big bother to get her to class. We, also, drive 30 minutes to get to Mommy and Me yoga once a week. Neither of these give me a good workout. Basically right now I have to do exercise which allows me to have her with me and that pretty much leaves running/walking/strollercize. Thanks for the idea though!!
I am a member of the Y but several friends have had issues with the childcare and I’m waiting until she is older before I attempt it. Now that she is routinely getting up at 7am I’m thinking of asking my hubby if I can go to the 5:30 AM cycling class twice a week. I like spin.
You’ve got this baby. I know you do. I’ve avoided exercise like the plague for years. Now I’m starting to feel like if I don’t exercise and get some strength, who is going to lift my son for me? You know?
I joined the Elderly (yep, 70+) tennis league AND I am going to Zumba class. Supposedly tomorrow I do that. But it might not happen because of my husband and his need to open his hotel. I mean, seriously…
xoxoxoxo
I bet those elderly tennis players could spank me with their paddle. LOL Did you do Zumba? The hotel is open now but now you have the terrible storm (LOL) does that mean Zumba hasn’t happened yet?
I love you June! Keep exercising and take a self defense class. Maybe even a martial arts/tai Kwon do. If you are strong and know how to defend yourself, maybe you won’t need to hide behind the weight?? Just a thought/suggestion. I’ve been wanting to take a self defense class for a long time. Take care, momma!
I love you, too! I’ve thought about a self defense class but I feel so self-conscious -> says the girl who just got home from jumping around and rubbing her body to “I’m Sexy and I Know It” in the middle of the public park. LOL
June. Thank you. I needed to read this today more than u could know. I started back to exercising today and I hated every minute of it. Glad to know someone else feels the same way. Truly this encouraged me
Awww…thanks for dropping by! If it every gets fun -> let me know! I’ll do the same. Maybe we can be the first to find out how many workouts until a body gives in and starts to enjoy it. We will be millionaires!
First, I’m so sorry about your experiences, especially the attack and almost-rape. I don’t know why it never occurred to me, but suddenly while reading your post I understood why those who had been attacked get fat. I get it. And I’m so very sorry. Thanks for sharing. I think that being open and honest about why you got here is a huge step in going the right direction.
I’m right there with you about exercise. HATE it! Hate every bit of it. But a few weeks ago, I started exercising, and now I’m super into it. So much so that I’m annoyed that I’m going to have to decrease the intensity when we go back in for treatments. For me, the biggest change is my baby girl. We now have these little munchkins that are only going to get bigger, and want us to play with them. And run, and skip, and everything with them! And you hit the nail on the head – they want us to stay alive, as long as possible. So we owe it to them to be healthy. I’m not talking about skinny (although that would be nice…). I’m talking about HEALTHY! I’m talking about not having to stop for a couple minutes to catch our breath after climbing a few flights of stairs. Also, I want to be an example of health for my little girl. I’m feeding her great foods, I should be eating the same. And we should make habits of playing outside, running and skipping together. This is my motivation, maybe it could be yours… I put a picture of Alex up where I do workouts at home – it helps to look over at her.
Also, I love the idea of getting up early for a spin class. This is when I get up to run, at 5:30. Alex sleeps until 7 am almost every day, so the hubs knows that if she wakes up and the monitor is by the bed, and I’m not there, he’s in charge. There have been a couple days when I come home at 6:30 and he mumbles, she’s waking up, and I’ve had to go get a waking baby with a sweaty body, but those are rare. Usually I can get a run in and then a shower before she wakes up completely. It’s the only way I can commit to it. And then I know for the rest of the day that I ROCKED IT and I don’t have to exercise again that day…
Sorry for such the long comment, but I love that you’re doing this. Do it for yourself, do it for Baby Bug, but just do it! And the PRIDE that you get by committing to it, and just doing it, well that’s amazing.
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I loved your long comment Alex! I think next week I’m going to try the 5:30 spin classes. It has been raining so much here and hard to get in my regular park workouts. Good for you getting up early and rocking it!!! You are amazing!
Sorry for all you’ve been through. I go walking and bike riding. It is low impact (which I need), doesn’t cost money, and I can do it alone or with a friend.
I hope you find the an exercise program you like. It makes it so much easier.
Don’t give up.
Linda H. recently posted..August Postcards
Anger indeed Junebug, not easy, especially being attacked. I used to coach women’s self defence and I hear a few chilling true stories along the way, so believe it or not I think you are doing pretty well in comparison with some. When I first started jogging years ago I hated it but felt I must do it to improve my stamina. Then one day I had a revelation, instead of having my head down and hating every step, I could look up and enjoy the scenery. So by changing mu thought pattern it turned from a negative exercise into a positive one.
You are a person of great determination never forget that.
Good advice as usual! I need to have a better attitude about it. Thanks for the reminder.
Ah sweetie, I didn’t know you had been attacked, what a horrible experience, no wonder you have put on weight. I also don’t like exercise, in fact I hate running, can do ok in some yoga classes, I cannot dance to save my life and so on. I can swim and ski but those are not things you can do at home. I did by the Wii fit and did it for a while, in between treatments, I found it very good and always think to take it out again for a spin. Motivation is my biggest limitation, I start all enthusiastic and then…
Big hugs!
Fran recently posted..The 10 Days on my own
I’m with you – I *hate* to exercise. LOATHE IT.
The ONLY reason I’m “thin” is because I can’t eat very much. Which does NOT make me “healthy” by any stretch of the imagination.
I’m sorry you got stuck with the kid that had clammy hands smelled like onions – but this made me laugh:
“Once an old man walking with a cane and a fake leg lapped me.”
meleah rebeccah recently posted..Have You Ever? | Volume Five: The Air Conditioning Edition
I hate it too. And I don’t even share your history, or your traumas. I hate that attacker on your behalf. Fervently.
Good for you for strapping on those shoes. I am neither graceful, athletic, or good at anything involving balance, precision, catching, throwing, strength or flexibility. But – like you – i do it for my little guy.
Adele recently posted..Beta did not double
You are right -> We do it for our almost 1 year old! Can’t believe I’m saying that. This year has flown by with such speed my head is still spinning. How is little man? I hope you all are well! I will be by your blog soon.
I regretfully inform you that you are wrong – in fact *I* am the slowest runner in the world. And I don’t even have a stroller to excuse me!
I used to hate exercise too. I got a personal trainer. She asks me every week what else I’ve done and I like to be able to give her some good news, so that got me into my running shoes. Now I find real joy in some exercise, although running is still such a grind. Unfortunately I entered myself into a running event in November, with friends no less, so I have no choice but to keep going (at snail’s pace).
This is a beautifully honest post, and I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. Please post about your progress because you’re inspiring.
LOL We will be in the back of the pack together.
Good luck with your race! Racing events really help keep me going. I have a race next month. A mud run no less with a team of four. I feel sorry for the rest of my team. I’m actually less worried about the 4 miles of running and more worried about pulling my sorry butt over obstacles while covered in mud.
Hi lovebug!
I’ve gotten so bad about checking blogs let alone writing anything on mine, but I’m glad I stopped in to read such a wonderful post. As always, you are intrinsically funny and self effacing in such a jovial manner that it’s easy to sometimes take it too lightly and not try to see the meaning behind it. The window into your psyche you allowed with this post was tragic, poignant, terrifyingly honest and just down right awesome in it’s own rights. Keep up that brave spirit and putting on those running shoes, even though you hate it. Your baby bug will appreciate what a fighter hr momma is as much as we all do
Hey if you feel like weekwording btw (it’s been forever right?) I’m the host surprisingly since I haven’t been a good bloggin mouse in a while.
Thanks for your very sweet comment! Sniff. Very kind.
I’m so behind I didn’t notice you were hosting until after Friday passed. Ugh! I really need to get my priorities straight. I’m missing all my blogging buddies.
I can’t run b/c I have bum knees. From rollerblading for years. Which I love and can’t do anymore. AND I don’t like running. But you know what has saved me? The gym. But not just doing simple gym stuff. By using a trainer three times, who taught me to use the stuff on the GUY side. Lifting weights makes me feel so STRONG. And powerful. Yes, it has helped me lose more weight than I ever have before. But it has made me toned and has made me changed!
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