There is no way to lead up to saying your daughter ate her own shit that doesn’t leave you feeling like the reject mom of the year. I had to go to the ladies room. She was happily watching TV. I return to find a naked baby with shit covered hands. She had rubbed it all over the TV cabinet. There was a piece by her mouth. I can’t say for sure she ate any but a couple of weeks ago I pulled someone’s discarded ear plug out of her mouth when we were at the park. The chick will put anything and everything in her mouth. She got a bath, mouth wash and I scrubbed the living room three times with two different cleaners. I still want to vomit when I think about it. Normally this wouldn’t have happened. Often she is in the bathroom with me. Sometimes sitting on my lap. I’m not sure at what point I inform her sitting on the lap of someone on the toilet is a violation of personal space but right now Honey Badger don’t care. She follows me in and shuts the door behind her then wanders over to annoy me while I try to do my business.
A couple of weeks ago, I woke up to find one of my dogs had diarrhea across two rooms. I cleaned it up and we left. I returned to find another room with a huge circle of dog shit. Does anyone else have a dog who has to walk while he is talking a poo? Othello squats and starts to poo and slowly starts walking in the hunched up position. It is maddening especially when he is having an accident all across the room.
Do you believe in the power of 3? You know – things come in 3′s. I don’t even want to know what kind of shit is headed my way next. This morning my daughter did her #2 on the toilet and said she was done. I stood her beside the toilet while I cleaned up and she proceeded to pee all over the floor. I don’t think it counts as #3. It counts as a toilet is half full kind of day but not as a 3rd shitty experience.
I feel exactly like Bob Saget in Dumb and Dumberer. Warning: Language is used in this clip.