The world’s largest suitcase. I desperately need to stop traveling with this thing.
Have you ever been on a flight and as you check in your bag they weigh it? I’m always over the 50 lb limit and have to shuffle things around in other bags to get back below the limit and not pay the overcharge. I’m still bringing the same amount of weight on to the plane with me but the airline is comfortable with me shuffling it all around so it appears I’m not bringing on more weight than I am allowed. I stepped on my emotional scale this week and all my bags are full. Both suitcases are at the 50lb limit, my carry-on can only be shut by sitting on it and my personal bag is the largest purse known to man which I have to drag behind me because I’m unable to lift it. I can’t shuffle my baggage anymore. It is time to pay the overcharge or lose some of the junk in my trunk.
Right before you attend an awesome blog event with a small group of fellow bloggers you have never met is probably not the best time to hit a wall. Saturday morning I volunteered at a local mud run race. I was in charge of the registration area. I loved it, had a great time and felt great about my role. Then I came home and saw a picture of me from the event on Facebook. I died inside. I had been struggling for two days with a horrible back pain. I know my back hurts now and then and it is because of my weight. I workout 4-6 days a week. I shouldn’t be so big. I looked at the picture and was shocked and how huge I was! I have to fully admit I’m a fraud. I workout , yes, but I have not dealt with the emotional aspects which keep me fat. I know my emotional baggage is what is showing in my huge body.
I quickly hide the picture from myself but I can still see it when I close my eyes. I’ve hidden all my emotional scars from the world but everyone can plainly see it circling my body. A fortress of fat to protect my tattered soul. Even though I hid the picture, everyone else on Facebook can see me tagged in it just as they see me for who I really am – a very large women living in denial of my weight.
Covering my vulnerability.
Why is it so hard for me to get over this bloody hurdle? I can workout. I’ve ran 7 races this year and one of them was a 10K. Obviously I am willing to put in the physical work. What is so much harder about the mental work? Fear of failure. Fear of dying. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of being noticed. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear is just the tip of a very deep iceberg. I have surviver’s guilt from being the last of my family with my mom, dad and sister deceased. Being stalked, beaten and raped, left me unable to accept a compliment when I start to lose weight. It is such an unconscious act of self-sabotage, soon after a compliment I don’t even realize I’ve eaten until after I’ve eaten. Almost as if I blackout from the moment of the compliment until after I feed my fear.
Many people say just get over it. I wish I could. Some people find solace in their religion. I find little since I’m still reeling from my years of infertility and my anger associated with it. I have all the self-help books but I read the first chapter before I throw the book aside and hide again. I want to hide in a cabin high in the mountains where mirrors are not allowed. I don’t want to look in any mirrors. Not at my body and not at my soul. It is all too painful.
So, yea, those are my feelings and I’m still attending Fitcation. A weekend retreat for bloggers all with health and wellness in mind. This year we are going to be in Paso Robles, CA. We are going to be enjoying some wines set up by Sip Certified Vineyards, checking out the amazing shoes by Earth Footwear, going hiking, doing crossfit, bending with yoga, kayaking and touring Hearst Castle just for starters.
It sounds like so much fun. I’m praying my back will be healed by then. I’m hoping my insecurities will be properly harnessed. I might need some help getting my bag zipped. Even with my large girth sitting on my suitcase, I can’t get the zipper to close with all my fear overflowing the sides.
If I was a great blogger, I would tell you how it all works out and the fears were safely disposed of. I’m not and they aren’t. This is simply me and where I am right now. Stuck at the bottom of my emotional hell. Perhaps Fitcation and the inspiring ladies who have already lost weight will be exactly what I need right now. I’m not fit emotionally but I’m packing my baggage. When I get to the airport I will do my usually shuffling act to appease them and their limits. For now we shall go on pretending until I can figure out how to declutter my emotional suitcase.
I did go looking for prettier bags to carry my baggage in. Which do you like best? A Vera Bradley carry-on or this gorgeous leather carry-on? With gorgeous luggage like this how could I not let go of some emotions?