This week I’ve chosen the topic “How to prepare for guests from Outer Space”. We were watching Battlefield LA and halfway through I turned to hubby, “Honey, do you think we are alone? I mean do you believe there are others out there in space?” Hubby, ever the pragmatist, said, “I don’t know.” But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What if there are others out there? How the hell would I prepare for them to come and visit at our house? I usually attempt to be all Martha for my guests but if they don’t know who Martha is then how am I supposed to be Martha for them? I needed some rules.
1. Lock up the pets. I decided the first thing I should do is put the dogs in my bedroom. I’m not sure whether they would eat them or be scared of them so it best to keep them put up.
2. Figure out what they would like to drink. If I gave them water would they melt like the Wicked Witch of the West? Unless they like water, coffee or tea they will be out of luck because those are the only liquids I keep around.
3. Offer several places for them to sleep. Where would they sleep? Would they be more comfortable in the spare bed or on the back porch where they would see the stars and smell the air? Perhaps they would like the tent in the backyard. Be sure to pick up your dog poo before setting up the tent. It can either be thrown away or set aside in case it is a substance they will want to eat.
4. Offer several food options (except the dogs). Since my pantry currently only holds lentils, quinoa and a can of yams, I might be completely screwed on this account unless they like the dog poo. I’m hoping they like the dog poo because they will not eat my dogs and it solves a disposal problem for me.
5. Don’t shake their hand unless they offer their hand/tentacle/paw/metal arm first. You never know whether it would be an insult to touch them or if they would accept it as you offering your hand to be eaten. It is best to be safe. Simply follow their lead. If they try to hip bump you – go for it. If they lean forward opening their mouth so large as to fit your entire head inside – back up and grab the bat you keep hidden behind the door. This won’t be pretty.
6. Determine where they will go the bathroom. Show them the bathroom and the backyard. It would be cool if they emptied themselves like I empty the vacuum cleaner. I take off the full container and empty it in the dumpster. Simple, clean and no wasting toilet paper. I should get some extra Go Girls in case they would come in handy for them. PS – I finally got around to trying out my Go Girl which I will be putting the review up soon.
7. Hide any offending movies. I’m sure we have quite a few movies that aliens would not enjoy. Shall I suggest to hide Battlefield LA, Independence Day, Storm Troopers(mostly because it is crap), Space Cowboys, Killer Clowns from Outer Space and Aliens. They might enjoy Star Trek or even Robin Hood Men in Tights (honestly who doesn’t find that movie funny?).
8. Take shifts sleeping. Either you or your hubby should be wake at all times. Keep the bedroom door locked. While you want to appear open and welcoming to your guests, you don’t want your guests think it will be ok to eat you while your guard is down. Think about it as a good time to put to use those fur covered handcuffs that have been gathering dust since the honeymoon if the aliens get out of control.
9. Be leery of introducing them to your neighbors. The last thing you need is to pile up in your car, break through the road block and rush down the street in an effort to keep your guests from coming to harm. If you get a chance and feel the neighbors are about to go off on your guests, take a chance to steal all their pitchforks. It will save you time in the long run.
10. Smile. Keep trying different options. Maybe they like to drink lilac scented lotion or there is a use for your leftover candle nobs. In addition, take lots of pictures because if they leave suddenly you will want proof of the adventure. Plus, you may need evidence so they don’t cart you off to the loony bin.
What do you think I missed? Any other areas of concern I should consider before any alien guests arrive?