Hello friends!!! This week will be a little different format for several reasons.
First of all, it is IComLeavWe, International Comment Leaving Week. This is ran by Stirrup-queens and it typically centers around bloggers affected by infertility, adoption, etc. While I have struggled with infertility (IF) for 8 years I don’t strictly blog on IF for reasons I will outline in a minute. For those who don’t know the terms or want more information, click on the button just above called IF terms and timeline. For IFers – I am preparing for another IUI with a new doctor (my ninth doctor I believe). In addition, we are going through the adoption process currently on the saving money and preparing our portfolio stage.
Second of all, this is the week of the Fertility Focus Telesummit 2011. That is two talks daily for the next week. I listened in last year and hope to make it this year. This will limit my time for keeping to my regular schedule. Feel free to check out the telesummit for yourself. If you are going through infertility I highly recommend this free event. If you miss a live event it will be online for an additional 24 hours after it originally airs. Today will be Dr. Marily Glenville, a leading nutritionist specializing in women’s health, and Lisa March, who will discuss creating an effective support network(ICLW is a great one).
Now, to my main point, why I am more than infertility. When I first started blogging in 2006 I did it on a whim. I like to write. I was reading the blog of a classmate from college and thought what the hell. I was going through infertility but I didn’t write about infertility. Several years later I was still blogging about travel trips, problems with trainers at the gym calling me the wrong name, stupid conversations I have with people and TV. Then I discovered ICLW. I was amazed that I wasn’t the only woman in the world who felt like a failure after every pee on the stick once a month. I felt I had landed in a big fluffy pillow of love and support. It was terrific. I started making friends with other IFers and soon felt myself slipping into primarily talking about IF. I felt more empowered about my struggle. Then the inevitable happened. BFP after BFP for all the IF sisters in my group. I was so happy for them but as ladies get their BFP and when they successfully give birth they either stop blogging altogether or they become mommy bloggers and rarely continue to comment with you. This does not always happen. I still have some fab-o IF sisters who continue to move in the circle with other IFers but it is rare. Some say it is because those left behind are bitter. Some say it is because they feel guilt for being one of the lucky ones. It could all be true. I don’t know. I do know that I am immensely happy for any woman who struggles with IF and finally wins. But, on the other hand, it leaves me feeling left behind somehow. I’ve lost IRL friends because they had kids and stopped calling me so to lose virtual friends just adds to the pain. It made me even more depressed. I was dreading reading my google reader and felt no inspiration to blog. I had to face the facts. I have struggled with IF for more than eight years now. Time is fighting me. My chances are dwindling slowly down to none.
Last May I was at my lowest point and I had blogged as such after learning that they wanted to take one of my ovaries due to an abnormal cyst. I was quickly surrounded by my IF sisters beyond just blog comments but real emails and gifts and offers of extreme generosity. At that same time I sat in and listened to the first Fertility Focus telesummit. Armed with support from my IF sisters I gained through ICLW and the information I gained from the telesummit, I fought back and won. With the aide of Hildegard, my cyst busting fairy, I went to my next sonogram cyst free. Winning that battle made me realize that I am more than my infertility. I’m a bad ass. I healed my own body with the power of my mind and sheer determination. I don’t recommend not seeing a doctor if you break a bone. I believe that is beyond mind control although it may quicken the process.
Instead of gaining and losing friends constantly within my IF circle, I realized I needed to expand my circle. I wanted to keep those I could relate to because of infertility and, also, find those I could relate to because of other aspects of myself. If I allow myself to feel that all I am is a failure as a woman because I can’t bring a child to term, I will become one bitter miserable woman. However, I need more than my infertility group because I am more than infertility. I am creative(in short random bursts). I love to travel. I like to write. I like TV. I like photography. Basically I want my cake and eat it too! I want my IF sister friends. I want my weekword friends. I want to develop friendships with my new Tribal Blog friends. I want all of that because I am more than infertility.
If you are here because of ICLW, awesome! I hope to make a new friend. I will occasionally discuss IF as things come up here and there. I will be glad to follow your path and leave comments, love, advice, etc. But if you except me to blog about my numbers, every step of the process, all the tmi, then I am not the blog for you. I’ve seen too many good bloggers step away from the keyboard, whether depressed from not getting that elusive BFP or getting the BFP and moving on, and I don’t want to become one of them. I like my blog. No, I love my blog. I like writing about whatever floats into my head. I like being simply Junebug.
To be clear, I am not knocking IF blogs in any way shape or form. I am saying it is not what/who I am. I want other women who may be feeling depressed about their IF to know that they are more than IF. Feel free to let your freak flag fly. If you are depressed, start exploring other aspects of yourself. I am a better blogger and greater IF supportive friend if I am a more complete person. Being depressed, writing about depression and reading more depression leads me straight into….wait for it….wait for it….more depression. When I write about funny stuff, interesting word and then read about somebodies depressive story, I can leave a warmer, fluffier comment. If all I focus on is my failure as a woman, I’m no good to anyone. I can give more to others by feeding myself first. IF makes me feel empty on the inside. I am an empty person but by adventuring beyond my pain I am starting to get a tickle somewhere down deep around my liver or maybe my gallbladder. I don’t really know. I failed biology but I am starting to feel a tickle somewhere that lets me know I am more than infertility. At least that is what the voices in my head are telling me. What are the voices in your head telling you?